Jillian

christmas songs + making the band music

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 22:49:44 GMT

i can't decide if i'm "bah humbug" or "happy holidays".
i just can't decide.
i'm so overwhelmed by nothingness.
i list the things in my head that i'm stressed about and i'm like-hm. that's a whole lot of nothing.
even now my heart is racing.
i just crack myself up.

funny.

i always think it's interesting to see what people think about you.
the impression that you give to them.
sometimes, i feel as though i show people certain sides.
i guess we all do.
but it's just AMAZING to me what people see.
and the things that they don't see.
huh. always makes me laugh.
people at work think i'm the happiest person alive.
and i'm like...i cry every other day.
only because i'm sensitive.
and then that makes me laugh too.

welp-a weekend of festivites awaits me.
drunken fun with my besteset buddy for her b-day.
holler back. can't wait.

who would have thought

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 15:59:32 GMT

i forgot about live journal. i looked back to the last entry i wrote. it was about home and how it was going to be weird to not be home and in PA for a while. well, who the hell would have known that the day in jan. when i left would be the last time i stepped foot in that house. wow. so weird. that's what happens when you go home to find your shit in the garage and the locks on the doors are changed. ha. kinda funny actually. in a sick, dark, and depressing way. it all works out for the best. you grow up faster. you learn to not trust people as much. you learn to deal with some of the things that hurt you. push it further down inside. needing some alone time...

goodbye home

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 07:48:56 GMT

so this is my last night at home. i won't see it for a while. (haha. i'm sure i'll be back in a couple weeks!) but i'm starting my semi-grown up life on monday. i can't believe it's here and i'm going to be going to a work place 5 days a week for 8 hrs. wow. all this newness is killing me.

this week is killing me. not enough sleep and too much craziness. but, the fun had to be had. my bestest buddy is leaving for ROME. she'll be gone for 6 months. what's a girl to do without her best friend for that long? i just can't wait to visit her. i can't wait for the both of us to go off and do our thing and have so many stories and so many new experiences. we are both going to grow and learn so much. i can't wait.

i wish i could be more insighful right now b/c i have so many things i want to say.

jesus mary and joseph. fuck this. i'm done. damnit. my brother. he just has such a way of uplifting me. awesome. i'm glad i'm leaving. fuck this.

talk about your mood swings...

someone wrote me a poem

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 21:11:25 GMT

nothing like a good poem to make you melt...

something happens when i'm near you
sleeping things awaken
scary things fall asleep

images dance here and there
taking away remnants of despair
there's no start, no end
it always was, always has been

i can flirt with words to paint this feeling but they fall from my mouth and fade with dreaming

what's clear to me as night and day
is the emotion that feels as right as rain and when i see your face it all comes back that smile returns, all else fades to black

from the other side

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 08:46:47 GMT

two trips to the ER in two days. I don't know how much more i can handle. life likes to throw things at you to see how you react and how you handle it. well, here i am dealing. not too bad. but i randomly get depressed for no reason. i hate that. i feel like i'm crazy sometimes. ha. yeah-me and everybody else. but at least my brother is ok and my cat isn't going to die. for that i am thankful.

wow!

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 04:38:35 GMT

so much to say.

the weekend started on thursday-hell pecker yeah-great time with my bestest buddy.
friday-turned out to be a great new years-time was well spent with the right people.
sat-sun-amazing things are happening. i love it.
monday-what the fuck happened.

so a magical weekend of living in a dream world ended on monday. which i knew it would once i got back to PA and snapped back into reality. i just didn't think it was going to happen at 7am monday morning. turns out i rushed home b/c my brother was at the ER. what a way to start the year off. with a broken face. he got jumped and got the shit kicked out of him by 4 guys. are u fuckin serious. what the hell is wrong with this world. i just don't get it. broken nose, broken cheek bones, his face is just...swollen swollen swollen. hm. sometimes i have to remember, my life isn't all that bad. we need to appreciate the little things. i'm just glad the rest of his head is in tact.

oh me, oh my!

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 05:00:47 GMT

so excited for new years! whoop whoop! what what! where my clothes at? (inside joke with myself and my bestest.)

so i just found out that i'm a drunken idiot. oh wait-i did know that already. damnit. why do u do the things you do jilly?! i guess everybody has their moment. i just always tend to forget mine. ah-drunken idiot-when will u leave me. maybe when i stop drinking...ummm...so never. good. good to know.

here's to more drunken idiot fun filled nights! CHEERS!

it's christmas

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 07:28:23 GMT

wowie. it's here. christmas. it always sneaks up on ya doesn't it? well, i'm reading everyone's journals,and i'm sad to know that they're sad. i absolutely love the holidays. i love that i stress out about shopping and freak out about money and bitch about the traffic...but nothing beats waking up to christmas and the feeling i get. i love it. i love seeing my family. i love watching all the millions of little ones O.D. on candy and chocolate. i love how i overstuff myself and cannot move. i love watching people open presents and how their faces light up. i love the sense of love that i wish was there and expressed everyday. things have been so crazy and busy and overwhelming and confusing, yet i've been suprisingly ok with things. i've cried a lot in the past week and a half, but it's ok. i'm ok. maybe i'm pretending to be ok and not thinking about things the way i should be all the time, but hell, i feel good and it's christmas. so i'm going to run with it!

snowed in

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 05:01:11 GMT

so...i may not be coming home for christmas! haha. no really though. we're completely and totally snowed/iced in. can't go ANYWHERE. they have like one plow in all of the state. nobody knows what to do down here. it's CRAZY. it hasn't snowed like this in over 12 years so i'm told. and...what a good time to be here. all i can is laugh. haha. look at me laughing. i won't be laughing though if i don't see my family on friday and saturday. eh-soon enough i suppose. my head is getting rubbed i can't think.

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:44:54 GMT

WOAH! Lalala LOVE tennessee! so much fun. so much bonding. made a GREAT new friend! making GREAT connections with an old one. ooo...so hyper and lovely! love the late night chit chats. love the massive amounts of movies and midnight snacks. love it all! love that it's freezing here and everything including the trees are covered in ice. i just have a huge massive smile to cooincide with the loads of fun that i am having! i leave tomorrow. :( sad but happy to know that i had such an amazing time...more fun to be had tonight! and all a while...i've not had a sip of alcohol. i knew i could have good fun and be myself with good people. u would think by the way i've been everynight and the late mornings that i've been a crazy drunk. but guess what-i'm just CRAZY! love it! xo xo xo

a;sldkfjal;sdfkj

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 09:06:03 GMT

the last couple days have been just off the wall. i'm so worked up and yet peaceful. finished my last final ever on tues. finished my project on wed. night. my best friend's b-day on thur. nyc on friday. and now i'm in tennesse. just a crazy week. i ended up on the bus to nyc only to realize that i didn't have my wallet. i had no id, no way to get money. nothing. thankfully, i had 20 bucks in my pocket. had to fedex my wallet to nyc so i had it for today when i had to catch my flight. oh boy. bus was running late. no rachael. i thought the night and my life were over. (yes, i'm melodramatic). turned out to be such a crazy, wonderful, confusing night. the details only to be left in my head and given to my bestest friend. so do things happen for a reason? i guess so. but for what reasons, i don't know. i guess sometimes the reasons aren't what you want them to be. i'm just overwhelmed with the events of this a.m. intense. inspiring. but now i'm left with nothing.

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 22:07:20 GMT

i love the sunsets in pa. it's always so pretty at dusk. i want to smoke a cig so bad but my belly doesn't want me to. that's what staying up till 9:30am will do to you and then sleeping for only an hour. i'm going to miss this place...good ole esu. ha.

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 17:14:07 GMT

when do the tears stop? when does the anxiety end? when will i feel better again?

the end

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 21:59:24 GMT

classes are over. it's weird. i'm almost a grown-up. that's even more weird. too many changes at once. broke up with the girl. moving out of the apt. going home. moving to nyc. working 5 days a week. wow. changes are a coming...

1 day left...a million left to go

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 02:16:49 GMT

two classes is all that is left of my time here at east stroudsburg university. who would have thought it would go so fast. who would have thought i would grow up one day. who would have though this time would come. wow.

i haven't had time to think about it or be sad or nervious or much of anything. it's just here and i'm taking it as it comes. i just can't get over how fast it went. college is over. that's so weird. there are so many changes that are going to occur and so many things i'm not ready for. change is always hard but good at the same time. i'm looking forward to growing and learning and experiencing this newness that is before me.

future...meet me.

make me lose my breath...baby boy...

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 22:45:59 GMT

OMG crazy crazy CRAZY! ah! i woke up at 1pm today. how great was that to sleep in. in the past 4 days i had gotten about 8 hrs of sleep...so that's about 2 hrs each night. i was EXHAUSTED. but now look out-jilly t is charged and ready to rumble. LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE...DUN DUN DUN DUN...yeah jock jams. haha.

NYC here i come. see ya'll in january. i'll be bringing my A game. but it's a new A game. it's called...jill has work 5 days a week and can't be crazy and must be responsible. it's something new for me. work. never worked 5 days a week for a consecutive amount of time. EVER. i'm sure i'll be LOVING it. i'm serious. i'm so pumped to go to work everyday. that's what happens when you're 21 and u've never had a job outside of babysitting, lown mowing and being a mover. although-i am a professional lown service provider in business for 6 years. i'll trim your bush! WOOHa!

o woe is me

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 21:52:53 GMT

hightlights of thanksgiving break:
-saw the fam.
-went to nyc
-got drunk
-saw peeps i REALLY missed
(esther, david, dave, candice...)
-made new friends
-danced my ass off
-shopped till i dropped
-internship interviews

lowlights of thanksgiving break:
-drank TOO much
-don't remember some things
-spent WAY too much money
-spent too much time in NYC...now i have work out the ass
-pissed some people off
-fighting ... fighting ... fighting ...
-feeling guilty
-not feeling guilty

hhhmmm...am i living life to the fullest or am i full of shit and being an asshole? the world may never know. neither will i. things are down the shitter. we'll see what happens. i'm struggling. i make really bad first impressions. drunken idiot. i guess i stick to my name of fame-wasted wasted wasted. is that so bad?

...more...

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 07:07:02 GMT

i forgot...I'M SO EXCITED...waking up in 3.5 hrs to go shopping...woohaha. love that the mall opens at 6 a.m. shopping i will go. money i will spend. christmas presents i will get.

and then...it's off to the city i go...hi ho hi ho it's off to new york i go...with my bag in hand and my friends to see...hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho.

yeah...party NYC style. what what. SO PUMPED! cheers to the fun that will be had by all including dave, candice, jess, maybe marco, maybe luce and myself! and whoever else is crazy enough to join the PARTAY! bring on the WINE! yeah for chardonay! (sp!) and of course the BACARDI! good thing i have my flask! :)

...?...

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 07:03:31 GMT

i had a GREAT DAY! love the family. i just adore them. i could be around them all the time. they are just all amazing people. but...dun dun dun...i teared today. for lame reasons. i ate a LOT of stuffing. it is my favorite thing of course...it's bread for pete's sake. so i was all excited b/c they didn't put it in the bird so i could eat it all up. i'm eating eating eating...to make a long story short-there was chicken broth in it. my aunt forgot. i was a loser and my heart stopped. EEEKKK! but i didn't want her to feel bad so i played if off. but inside i was getting all kinds of torn up. i didn't think i'd be so upset. but i was. i left the room and my eyes were watering. opps.

i guess i had some bird today. never again. never ever again.

sorry to the bird from which the broth came. now we have a moment of silence...

captain pukey

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 02:01:03 GMT

icky. what happened...i'm dry heaving and attempting to get up whatever isn't in my body right now. just happened like THAT. an hr ago. i started spinning...still spinning...i wish i could say it was b/c i'm hungover, then i know it would all be over soon, but i think i'm just getting sick. :( i don't wanna be sick for turkey day-not that i'm eating any turkey. put i love my gram's sweet corn and mashed potatoes and the special stuffing she makes for me...mmm...maybe i'll get a tofurkey this time around. mmm...fake meat...mmm

now i'm going to puke.

obsessions

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 06:52:01 GMT

obsessions: are they good?
obsessions: are they bad?
obsessions: what do they mean?
obsessions: i have too many.
obsessions: i kinda like 'em.
obsessions: i'm easy obsessed with people.
obsessions: i'm obsessed with anything new.
obsessions: i'm obsessed with things i can't let go of.

current obsessions:
my hotmail
my livejournal
message boards (charlottemartin, @forumz)
e-mailing
charlotte martin
luciar
my internship
new york city
brooklyn
making new friends
pizza
green tea from WAWA
chocolate
writing
live shows
music

almost semi-professonal

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 16:12:06 GMT

:clearing my throat:

i sent out my resume and cover letter today! FINALLY! i sent it to 12 different places. i'll probably hear from from like 2. that's how this whole job hunting thing works doesn't it. DAMNIT. i'm trying though. I have till dec. 2nd. that's my deadline. let's hope i meet it. AH! in the meantime, i'm patting myself on the back for actually sending them out. haha. too bad i'm a lil late.

hhmmm...i've been computer addicted lately. i complain about being in the lab, but sadly, i love it. i guess it's good. i love my major. i love what i do. i can't wait to get a job doing it. whoop whoop.

i'm SO super excited about the month of december. SO many things going on. we start off with a job interview, followed by a possible bus trip to NYC (it's only 10 beans-yeah ESU!), then it's off to tegan and sara and melissa ferrick, then we have ani, then we have my production for my TV II class-which i'm so stoked about! (LUCIAR is coming! yeah!), then finals week, then i'm done with classes at ESU FOREVER, then rachael yamagata in the city, then i go to tennesse, then it's CHRISTMAS. if that isn't a month full of great shit...i don't know what great shit is!

um yeah. GREAT SHIT.

by the way. i totally heart new york. until i find another place to fill my heart, nyc is where i yearn to be! see you all there...sometime! can i get a what what for bklyn?!

crazy nights

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 16:46:08 GMT

woody came up to school monday night. we saw the black eyed peas. and yes i danced my ass off. and yes i'm so sore. and yes it was a blast. i forget how much i love to dance sometimes. we ended up hanging out with them...sounds weird. long story kinda...we met this guy jared. he's in the bloodhound gang. i didn't believe him really until i looked it up online yesturday. ha. but he was fun. so we hung out with him and his random friends. he's a nice boy. and very cute i may add. he lives close to me. like 35 min away in quakertown. crazy. who would have known. i was excited to meet fergie...she was wasted. i loved it. we went to a frat. ew. it was only my second time at a frat EVER. and i'd hope to think that was my last. why were the black eyed peas and their whole possie at a frat? i still ask myself that question...and how do i have weird crazy luck. i like to meet people. so i was happy about it. i don't really have this pedistol for "famous people" as much anymore. i'm like like...oh-you're cool. instead of my usual freak out, get nervous, can't say anything type of deal. i'm growing up.

brothers...

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 16:47:39 GMT

what are u supposed to do to help someone who rejects every form of help? if you give up on them...they will give up on life. how do u continue to be loving and supportive when someone is being self destructive? you have to tiptoe around things you say in order to not trigger and outburst. i fear for his life. i don't know the monster that is my brother. we are from the same womb...but i feel so far distant from him. he's like a stranger. his eyes are cold. his heart is numb. i fear him. i fear for him. i'm sad for him. he makes me depressed just from being around him. i'm meant to feel guilty for the successes i've had in life. i'm a stuck up bitch who gets everything she wants and listens to everything my parents say and does everything to make everyone happy and i'm perfect ... o ... and i'm selfish. so my brother says. hm. i feel like shit.

you think i've been ok...i'm not fine

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 18:18:25 GMT

random writing during english class...

your presense has changed
my whole sense of the world
my whole sense of self
helpless i stand
pittiful i wait
my heart has become to great for my chest
spilling out for everyone to see
red like the devil's hell
black like the numbing pain
tension intensifies
as impatience sits perched out waiting for its prey
knocking me down
kicking me out of the cardboard box i call home
pointing out the truth
with a roar sick with fear
my emptiness is backed into a corner
without permission to leave
disorientation swallows recognizable surroundings
i'm incoherent with the the threat of your voice
choosing manipulation as your number one tactic
i'm lost in the vast spaces between you words
caught in your breath...
desperation claws
ripping me open from the inside out
pouring like vomit from the pits of my stomach
wearing me down
i'm skin and bones
wearing me down
i have no where left to go
broken and battered
scared and bleeding
my eyelids close the door
sending blackness into my world

"i can't make myself look sane...it's true"